Jokes

[Kitty]

Any one know some great jokes to tell, knock-knock, dumb blonde, or riddles? Please post some I know every one could use a good laugh or two!

[Coriolis]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
Helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
Witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
In the first place, smack his a** again!"

[stormy]

ok that was a good one. yes now i can have jokes to tell, i can print them. i am so bad at remembering jokes.

[Kitty]

#1

A dumb blonde is driving down the road when a cop pulls her over and says that her blinkers aren't working. Later that day she had one of her friends who was also blonde stand behind her car to check. The second blonde stands behind the car and says, "Yes, No, yes, no, yes no, yes, no."

#2
A dumb blonde is driving down the road when a blonde female cop pulls her over and asks for the first for her drivers license. " It's small, square and has your picture on it." The blonde reaches into her purse and pulls out a pocket mirror. When she hads it to the cop the cop replies. " Oh I didn't know you were a police officer!" :rolleyes3

[swmochic]

TWISTED BUT FUNNY!!

Scoobydoo

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from
their early childhood, right? But something you may
not remember is what the show was really about. As we've
gotten older, it has become more clear what Fred, Shaggy,
Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they
traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts
in the Mystery Machine.

WHAT WE REMEMBER: Four teenagers and their trusted dog
gallop across the country in their purple and green
van solving mysteries of all sorts -- and in the process
meet all kinds of interesting people.

THE TRUTH: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient
dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love
machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and
they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve
a mystery.

It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the
evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration
for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress
and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner',
i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly
hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow
it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not
generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from
Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever
Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack,
they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever
they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also
hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the
stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone
the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts
across the country (and the world -- they drove to China
once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities
however...

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the
group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no
real mystery what these two are really doing -- they're
getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne,
with her pretty pink legs, and Fred are constantly bumping
uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids.
One thing that remains a mystery though, is why he always
wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the
cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out
in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality.
Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who
was a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously a
product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around
the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating
hash brownies, and doing their dog, while all the
while looking for the perfect 'hit'. Oh if we had only
known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...

[stormy]

never really thought about that way. hummmm. seen the movie, shaggy and scrub have a fire in the fan, making food. wonder what else they were doing. Interesting

[Kitty]

A guy walks out onto his porch and sees a gorilla in his tree he calls the gorilla cathing servce and when they come the catcher has a pole, a chuawawa, a pair of handcuffs, and a shot gun. The catcher starts to explian. "I'm going to climb the tree poke the gorilla out with the pole when hes falls the chuawawa will bite him in the crotch you handcuff him when he reaches down to pulls the dog of and we're done." The guy that lives there asks what the shot gun is for. " You shot the chuawawa if I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla." :jester: :clown:

[swmochic]

LA Math Exam

City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________ Gang:_________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he
misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each
drive-by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he
attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine, and he sells an 8-ball
to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per
gram. What is the street value of the balance of cocaine
if he does not cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If the price is $65 for
each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn
so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dino wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make
a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy
and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s,
how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending
$100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out
of prison, and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and
the average letter is 2 square feet, how many letters
can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There
are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls
has Hector knocked up?

[StingRay]

Too hysterical....you are on a roll today!!!!!

[swmochic]

* * * * * The Latest Poll * * * * * *
by Lee Kalcheim


- 76% of Women think Teresa Heinz Kerry colors her hair.
- 53% of those women would prefer a different color.

- 52% of people with wall to wall carpeting dislike President’s Bush plan for redecorating Iraq.

- “63% of Single Women over 50 think John Kerry is too tall for his own good.
- 71% of divorced women say George Bush would be an ideal ex-husband”

- ”50% of the electorate think that polls are misleading, inaccurate and inconclusive. The other 50% agree 30% of the time with 40% of the results”



* * * * * LATE NIGHT FUNNIES * * * * *


From Jay Leno

- Well I’m sure you all heard the good news – President Clinton’s heart operation was a complete success and he’s expected to make a full recovery. He’s really doing well. In fact, he’s up and walking. In fact today Clinton was seen roaming the building with his hospital gown on backwards. He’s back!

The doctors said, this is an amazing after open heart surgery, that Clinton could leave the hospital in four to five days. Although he told Hillary "I’m gonna be here for about three months.”

Bush is up 10 points, 11 points. Doesn’t look good. Not only is Bush ahead overall, he’s also ahead in a lot of key issues like Iraq, terrorism and the economy. But Kerry is ahead on grammar and pronunciation, and overall nuance.

John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign, he says the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. The wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee I wonder if Bush will say the "F” in John "F” Kerry stands for "flip-flop”. Are these guys running for president of the 8th grade?

[swmochic]

OK FAMILY AND FRIENDS--------NOW TELL ALL THE FOLKS WHAT A DILLARDS
IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THATS FOR ALL YOU SOUTHERN FOLK TO TELL THE YANKEES.


Subject: THE DILLARDS THIEF--Your laugh of the day

THE DILLARD'S THIEF-- in San Antonio, Texas
This is too funny! This must be true, you can't make this stuff up.

Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies,
no smell. "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured
Ellen. "Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining,"I'll just put my things in your bag, and
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and
then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her
own Dillard's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in
the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial
bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina
would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of
the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria.

After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had
a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not
for long. As they ate, they noticed a huge black woman in a red gingham
shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the
Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line
of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It
all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can
you imagine?" sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized
with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand
surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black woman with the Dillard's bag,
THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward
the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair
and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she
casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from
side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables
over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes
widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching
her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer
in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the
Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping,
strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her
to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.